How To Keep Your Kids From Turning Into Assholes Without Getting Too Tired
Or at Least With Minimal Effort
“Oooooh, you are a Wonderman!” Nosey Lady says, counting my kids’ heads, studying the entrails of my cart as if it were a map to Peter’s Neverland, and glancing over my figure. Costco is a wonderland of opportunities when you first enter and like the anus of hell upon exit. I wish I were wearing red shiny boots like Gal Gadot and could click them three times and say, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” Whisk us away from here.
All seven of us roll our eyes from the inside out, while keeping pleasant smiles. Responding may keep me tied down to this cement floored torture chamber, and we’ve just passed the cold case. Nothing between me and the exit now, especially not a coy compliment so she can joke about Mormonism, contraception, or big family stereotypes.
“Are they, ya know . . . aaaaaall from one husband?”
“Yes, yes.” I nod.
I know we are an anomaly. Maybe you feel this way from time to time? You feel the stares because your kids are well behaved not necessarily because you have a child hoard like I do.
I have six kids that I’ve kept alive for almost 16 years. This doesn’t make me an expert. This doesn’t even make me good at it. It means my reproductive organs were active and in shape at one time. Having children doesn’t make us good parents.
Folks, let me tell you a secret.
Ssssshhhhhh.
Look both ways.
Come closer.
It’s not that hard.
No, no, really.
Let me explain.
Most of us weren’t raised well. We aren’t special. We are average/normal, whatever that freakin’ means. We come from suboptimal family environments. Disfunction is more of a function than not. And when it comes down to it, most of us want the same thing.
We aren’t looking to have our kids speak 3 languages, play piano & sing opera, or even stand on their head while counting in cardinal or ordinal numbers. Nope. We will settle for kids not being assholes.
We aren’t trying to create a superstar, a doctor, or something else that appears socially lofty. Our only aspiration is to help these awe inspiring (sometimes in the negative) little human spawn we’ve created, to not hurt others for their own or someone else’s benefit AND inspire them to make the world a better place, man.
Living By Example — Foundation of Household Order is Parental Respect
We have a lot of kids and are average people. Neither my husband nor I finished college. My husband has a GED. Our kids have watched their parents turn down fun times over and over again, to pick up a side gig or work late hours to pay the bills. Things may get shabby, but they never go without what they need to live, survive, or thrive.
If your kids see their single never-give-up mother, working her ass off to keep them clothed, fed, rent paid, electricity on, etc, she forever has their respect, lack of character or not. And, if she’s doing said things, I would argue and lean towards that woman being built on character.
It takes fortitude to not complain and put in the time with or without the skills or tools (like child support that never comes through) to take care of the people you are responsible for. Don’t be mistaken by the drool, children are people. This teaches the worth of human value to them.
It’s hard to respect someone who sits in front of a screen and doesn’t take care of the bare necessities waiting for governmental aid to bail them out. Kids know these things or will, as adults, in hindsight.
Would you respect someone like that if you were a child in their care?
“Anyone Can Wear The Mask. You Could Wear The Mask.” — Miles from Into the Spiderverse
Wear the mask. Do the work. Provide.
Make Boundaries Clear — Be Careful What You Say “No” to AND Stick With It
“Noooooooooo!”
Pulled out of my books by preschooler screams, I glance across the street from my rickety porch. Children are to be seen and heard, but this kind of sound . . . well, noise pollution. I’d rather hear hoops, hollers, laughter, and playful war cries.
Earlier in the day, I said “hello” to my lovely quiet neighbor mom across the street while we checked our mail. She had another child in the past year and appears overwhelmed.
Her four year old daughter is now grabbing her hand in the driveway and wrenching her entire miniature body frame in obtuse angle fashion, leveraging her miniscule weight against her mother’s “no” stance. I can see who is winning. Unfortunately, mom doesn’t.
“I wanna do it!”
Mom is aware the entire neighborhood can hear and see what is going on. Her shoulders slump. I wish I could help, but we aren’t close.
This is not how a parent earns respect from his/her child. Little fairy princess knows she has won as soon as she sees her mother pull in a deep breath and slouch. After all, it’s just mail, she thinks.
This is a child that is not familiar with “no” and the adult following through. I can see mom shaking her head. She is trying to convince her child in gentle hushed tones to no avail. Begging never garners respect. Don’t be mistaken, this is groveling.
I see her defeated, going to the mailbox . . . again. The little tyrant has won as I knew she would. Her will is stronger. She knows crying, begging, or throwing a fit will get her, her way.
Everytime the parent gives in, it establishes who is really boss.
No has to mean no.
And, truth be told, you don’t have to say it often if you establish this principle early on. In fact, I would venture to say that using it less will increase it’s value. Practice saying “no” at home, and stick to it. This will make it a habit for the child. When you say “no” in public, be sure to follow through so as not to give mixed messages.
Make your rules short, clear, and concise. We aren’t dealing with intercontinental issues or Phds. Keep it simple. See how your child handles it. Come up with a consistent follow through that you are comfortable with for you and your child.
Don’t ever give in. I mean ever, unless you discover you are absolutely wrong. In which case, apologize. Make apologies in this scenario as few as possible to maintain respect.
If you want anyone to respect what you say, you have to mean it & that especially counts for your no’s. If you throw down a no, you’ve drawn a line in the sand. Kids will test that line like raptors in Jurassic Park, when you least expect it. Hold your ground till the end.
“When the fight was over, nothing was solved, but nothing mattered. We all felt saved.” — Fight Club
- absolutely win every interaction at an early age unless you are absolutely wrong. This makes life easier for you both later. If the child is older, all the more reason to get start asap.
- what you say “no” to sets the stage for you & your child’s values.
- be consistent — it helps you both make sense of the world around you.
Mutual Respect — It Goes Both ways
One of my teenagers was getting a bit attitudey the other day. It happens and is another one of those pivotal emotional management stages in human life. I had spoken with her, reasoned with her, and all around had a heartfelt conversation. We talked about giving her siblings respect whether they had earned it or not, how someone has to jump out of the assey loop or everywhere smells like farts. I had hoped we were over the slump.
But, the behavior continued. I was stumped. I had played with phone privileges as leverage. I had tried lecturing. I disciplined and had clear boundaries.
And then, it hit me. I hadn’t been holding to our twice a week dates with one another. Things kept getting in the way. This was a relationship issue and it was nudging her toward mutiny.
In this case, it only took one night to remedy the issue. Her seeing me hold to our agreed upon time together as tired as I was, and the skip in her step was a little perkier the next day. She was nicer to her siblings. We all wondered who had replaced my fiery redhead with a sweet, smiling, singing Disney Aurora.
Relationships go both ways. If people don’t feel seen or valued, it bleeds into their morale. And, parents, we are the household managers, attitudes included. Respecting others is an acquired skill we teach by example. She had felt forgotten, lost and overlooked in our crowd of kids. She, in particular, feels love most when I take time to listen and relate with her.
I won’t make this mistake again if I can help it.
- understand how your child receives love — this may change over time.
- if they respect your “no,” this stage is easier.
- make time to see your kids, eye contact without interruption (especially by other siblings).
Truthfully, most parents are tired. They mean well and want their kids to have all the things they didn’t. We’re juggling our health and theirs, budget, school, work, cleaning, cooking, and maintaining a clean peaceful home life stasis. The list goes on.
It’s easy to romanticize parenting much like how young girls would dream about their wedding day. I never did get that. I’m too practical. I don’t window shop if I don’t have money.
Still, many don’t know how to put legs on their ideals because they haven’t tried enough to fail at things. We need to stop looking through windows and try. The failure is so traumatic for some, they refuse to apply any character defining principles in parenting that will help their kid in the future.
Sad.
Parenting isn’t about experimenting.
It is the experiment . . . because it’s life.
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